SERIOUSLY…

The Science of Teletherapy
What Might Have Become of …

FIRST: A Note about Teletherapy. This is the unique specialty of psychologically that interprets the hidden meanings of a television program. It was first discussed in Dr. Will’s classic book, Why We Watch: Killing the Gilligan Within. In it the reader is advised that there are indeed deeper meanings in many television programs and that we can learn valuable lessons.

For instance, take a program like Gilligan’s Island. You watch and think it’s silly program about castaways. But in fact it has a far deeper psychological meaning. It is actually about the struggle of human anger. Think about it: here’s a young man who through his ineptitude ruined the lives of six other people by stranding them hopelessly on a remote island. As a viewer you realize their rage must me intense toward Gilligan and you are wondering if this might be the episode where on of them rises up and murders him in retaliation. This is the psychological tension of the show.

By using Teletherapy an astute viewer can project the likely course of a fictional character’s life. It becomes plausible to intelligently speculate about the future of your favorite characters. This is an exercise I call simply, Where Might They Be Now?

Let’s try it out. For this first entry I have selected a well known but somewhat obscure character from the classic show The Addams Family.What ever became of their young son, Pugsley?

Pugsley Addams: from the start it is hard to fathom the full impact of living your an entire childhood at odds with your age peers. While many people can relate to a childhood filled with the sting of ostracism, nothing could compare to what the Addams boy endured. But in many ways this became his principle resource.

Pugsley had to find his strength from the strong affirmation of his parents and within himself. The financial resources and unstinting love of Gomez and Morticia, as well as the mentoring of his doting Uncle Fester, created a fertile environment for emotional growth Given the fertile intellectual environment if his home life, Pugsley is likely to have excelled in academics, most especially in the sciences under the influence of inventor, engineer Uncle Fester. From here we can speculate about his future.

Let’s imagine what life is like for the now grown Pugsley Addams today:

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He is likely an engineer whose fertile imagination resulted in several unique product designs. A visit to his home, however, probably echoes the odd taste of his curious childhood and attests to his family penchant for the weird edges of life. He probably has exotic pets, eats esoteric, organic foods, and collects both stamps and the skins of road kill. At the age of fifty he would finally marry a gentle, but troubled actuary with a history of chronic psychotic breaks. They leave the city and raise Shetland ponies on a small farm in New Mexico. This is as valid a scenario as any other one can imagine and utterly consistent with his early nurturing and family environment.

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What characters do you wonder about as they moved on in their life?
Do you ever wonder what ppened to them and where they are right now?
CLICK HERE to submit your character analysis.

SERIOUSLY…

NURSE BRIDGET INKWELL
Don't Bother Me! I'm Solving the Health Care Crisis

Nurse Bridget Inkwell was a therapy patient of Dr. Will’s for seven years following her termination from her hospital position for slapping a comatose patient. She claimed it was a misunderstanding and that she was using a controversial new treatment designed to awaken patients. She subsequently won a libel lawsuit against the hospital and is now a private nurse practitioner in Charlotte, North Carolina. She writes a monthly newsletter called The Militant Nurse Practitioner. Here is her recent cover article:

Dr. Will,

Greetings from Charlotte where I am busy working to awaken America from the nightmare that is our healthcare system. I have been speaking to groups all over about the current crisis and have formally proposed a radical new program to solve the problem. The following outline was sent to my congressional representative this past month. So far no response. (Gee! What a shock!)

Anyway here is my five point solution to the problem:

1. PUT THE NURSES IN CHARGE. Everyone knows that physicians are excellent body mechanics but they have the personalities of cicadas - you know, noisy and obnoxious. I cannot count the number of times I have seen a doctor being rude and uncaring to a patient and their family. I am often surprised that they are not slugged more often for their abrupt behavior. The veterinarian treats my terrier with more respect. Doctors should be felt, not heard. Nurses on the other hand are far better at providing the emotional compassion that patients need. Anyone in a hospital knows that the nurses know almost as much as the doctors. So let the doctors be the mechanics while we are in charge of the whole medical operation.

2. BAN LAWYERS FROM THE MEDICAL FIELD. Come on! Anyone who doesn’t think lawyers make matters worse for medicine, raise your hand. I thought so. Once we put the physicians in their proper place - away from talking to the patient - there will be virtually no ill-will toward the medical profession. No one will feel the need to sue a nurse. Even if someone screws up your treatment the nurses will be able to explain, apologize and come to a fair way to compensate you without having to listen to some leech lawyer yack away in a courtroom.

3. ELIMINATE ALL GOVERNMENT PRINTING. We are well aware that the government spends billions of dollars printing reports, studies and other stuff to distribute around the country. Imagine how high the piles are of congressional reports, legislative studies and briefing papers. Why? With the availability of computer screens, this practice is sucking up valuable dollars that should be used for health care. Let’s shut off their printers and save billions of pages, millions of trees, and enough ink to give every American their own personal medical staff.

4. MANDATORY HOSPITAL DISINFECTING. Look, we know that one of the biggest problems in health care is the infection that happens in the hospital. You survive the surgery and then get even sicker from the bug infested environment of stale air and the other hygiene-challenged patients. Ask a nurse and they will tell you that a hospital is a cesspool of filthy microorganisms. So I say install ceiling sprayers in every room of the hospital and turn on a shower of a bacteria eliminating chemicals to kill cooties, microbes and other freaky germs that fly around the hospital.

5. ENLIST THE HELP OF MEDICAL DOGS. Millions of able bodied canines are sitting around houses loafing while the families are off at work or school. You know they would rather be active. So let’s begin an aggressive program to train the dogs to take over many of the routine tasks that take up the time and energy of professional humans. Shuttling medicine, blood and XRays between departments can easily be handled by these medi-dogs. They can also deliver prescriptions around town and someday even learn to operate the carts that carry patients around the hospital. The dogs are waiting.

If this program was enacted today, the health care crisis is so over. Use you head, people!

Have a great day and let me know if I can bring you anything.

Nurses Rule!

Indicators that the Quality of Your Local Health Care is Poor

SERIOUSLY…

A VOICE FOR ALL TIMES
Da-di-di-da-di-di…that’s all folks!

It was ninety-nine years ago this week Mel Blanc was born. For those who don’t recognize the name, how about these names: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and Barney Rubble?

That’s right, Mel was the voice behind countless, iconic animated characters we know well. If you have watched any cartoons over the past decade you have heard Mel - in the voice of Silvester the Cat, Tweety Bird and the Tasmanian Devil. His range was legendary and his voice is mainstay part of the popular culture for several decades.

Ever heard of Pepe Le Pew or Yosemite Sam? Mel Blanc again. He was Mr. Spacely on The Jetsons and Foghorn Leghorn the blowhard cartoon rooster. Add to this list Woody Woodpecker, The Roadrunner, Wile E. Coyote, Elmer Fudd, Dino the Flintstones pet and several others. You may not realize it but you have heard the voice of Mel Blanc countless times throughout your life.

In 1961 Blanc was in a serious auto wreck that left him in a coma for a few weeks. He credited his clever physician for helping him come out of the coma by greeting Mel as Bugs Bunny. According to Blanc he answered the doctor in the voice of Bugs and it helped him wake up.

There are a million ways to make a great livelihood. You may not know what your future holds, but I’m betting that when he was a child, Mel had no idea that he would become a voice for the ages.

It’s a reminder that you cannot know for sure what your life’s destiny holds.
But whatever emerges, good heavens, embrace and enjoy it.

What Mel Blanc Character Describes You?

Bugs Bunny: You are highly intelligent and use your sarcastic wits to succeed

Porky Pig: Given your innocent spirit and are sometimes taken advantage of by others

Tweety: Although fragile and vulnerable, others often underestimate your abilities

Barney Rubble: Your upbeat personality enables you to be content following the lead of others

Daffy Duck: You struggle with a negative outlook watching others surpass you in career pursuits

Elmer Fudd: You have an obsessive personality determined to rectify past slights

Dino: You are emotionally unstable and resort to hysterical outburst to get your way

Foghorn Leghorn: Your narcissistic personality disorder has resulted in problems with authority

Silvester: You are probably a sociopath

Tasmanian Devil: You are probably psychotic

SERIOUSLY…

BAD POLICY, NOBLE CONDUCT
Separating the Soldiers from the Policy Makers

It seemed less complicated during the unpopular Vietnam War. Many Americans who opposed it seemed to express animus toward everyone involved in the military and political debacle. Most of us made little distinction between the politicians and the soldiers in communicating our anger. Soldier or politician - they were all seen as one malevolent force. It retrospect we feel shame that the troops who fought the war were treated with such disrespect by American citizens. They were subjected to verbal abuse for participating in the war. They were criticized and mocked. As a result the legacy of the Vietnam veterans is one that embarrasses us for failing to distinguish between those who bravely served at the risk of their lives and the governing bureaucrats who got us into that intractable mess.

And here we are again in the middle of a foreign policy fiasco that has us alienated from the world and with young soldiers in harm’s way. As we approach a death toll of 3,500 we see the country deeply upset with the every aspect of the war. But these days there is a dramatic distinction with the Vietnam war. In my experience the anger of the public is directed squarely at the politicians who led us into the Iraq debacle. But the overwhelming majority of people are profoundly concerned about the well being of the young troops serving there. As I travel around the country I encounter soldiers in every airport and I see how many people approach them and say thanks.

I take it as an indication that, in contrast to the war forty years ago, we are making the distinction between the policy makers who got us involved and the troops doing the dirty work. This has helped to clarify where responsibility belongs.

Posturing aside, most of us believed in good faith when we were told that Iraq was the right focus for defending us from terrorism. And over the course of four long years we have seen that the war was conducted poorly and has made matters worse, not better.

So the blame goes where it ought to go - to the decision makers who lacked the competence to conduct a war. None of it belongs to the soldiers.

SERIOUSLY…

A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE
Mum’s the Word

No matter what time of day or night, taking a tour through the cable channels on your television make clear that we are awash in words. From soothing through boisterous every site on the air is filled with talking, talking, talking. It makes one want to talk louder over the din in order to be heard.

If you haven’t treated yourself to the experience, it is a delightful indulgence to turn off the television to sit and read, listen to some easy music in the background and rest your mind. It is an excellent exercise for turning down the noise in your head and collecting your thoughts for when you have to speak again. Of course, it is assumed that you will indeed speak again.

Which brings us to this week’s psychobabble and an unusual diagnosis, first noticed in children.

Despite its intimidating name, Selective Mutism is related to anxiety and most often affects children and adolescents. As the term implies, the problem is characterized by a distinction between a child's behavior at home where speaking is normal, and the curious inability to speak in other social situations. In the past this disorder would likely have been regarded as a severe timidity. But it is now treated as a form of social anxiety.

Selective Mutism can also inhibit the ability to communicate at all - even beyond verbal expression. and if it is not treated it can extend into adulthood, presenting significant occupational and social impediments. As the website for selective mutism says it, “Onset is usually quite slow, with children showing inhibited temperaments as infants, often displaying Separation Anxiety through their toddler years.”

Because it is usually dismissed by families as mere shyness in the very early years, it is often not revealed as a problem until a child enters school and the inability to speak becomes a handicap to their education and social interaction. The late diagnosis is also attributed to the lack of awareness by parents and pediatricians.

It is a lesson in the power of anxiety, which can become so intense that it literally renders you mute. Have you had bouts of shyness? Has it stopped you to the point where you feel you cannot speak at all in certain situations? Perhaps it’s more than simple reticence. Might be worth talking to someone about it.

SERIOUSLY…

HI THERE, NEIGHBOR!
It's a BEE-YOO-TEE-FUL day in the hood!

Forty years ago this week the legendary children’s program Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood made its television debut. The show centered around the amazing Fred Rogers whose gentle and serene manner made him an approachable adult for millions of little children. The program featured Fred Rogers speaking directly to children, offering lessons about how to be polite, helpful and solve problems. He also took the viewers on tours of various places about which they might be curious. And some of these topics were controversial like divorce, anger, war and even death.

There was a clear distinction made between what is real and what was “make believe.” His show included several now famous characters, for example, Mr. McFeeley, Prince Tuesday and Handyman Negri. The program also featured a lot of music, especially the original tunes of jazz musician Johnny Costa. But the most memorable song of all was at the beginning of each episode. Mr. Rogers bolted walked quickly into the studio, decorated like an appealing home and sang "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" As he sings, he always takes off his coat, hangs it in the closet and dons his iconic cardigan sweater. he then sits and - while continuing to sing - puts on his sneakers.

His show was also remembered for the stream of famous guests who visited his house. His visitors ranged from Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk) to classical cellist Yo Yo Ma. And no matter who was on the show the intent was always the same - what could the guest tell the children about dealing with feelings of anger. This was Fred Rogers’ passion and mission as a television host. And to that end, although he was in real life a gentle individual, he was renown for being a stickler and a perfectionist about every detail of the show. He took the educational responsibility of the program with passionate seriousness.

Fred Rogers has been the subject of lots of rumors, among the most prominent was that he wa a sniper during the Vietnam War who is credit with scores of enemy kills. Of course, like the rest of the rumors, this was not true. But it is testimony to the enduring image he had as a man of gentility and peace.

Millions of grownups today look back and credit Mr. Rogers with reinforcing their parents’ life lessons. And in some cases they heard the moral admonitions for the first time on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

Whether you watched him or not, do you abide by the lessons taught by the late, great Fred Rogers?
You would do well to watch his shows - even now.

Are You A Bad Neighbor?

- A large addition on your house has been underway for three years

- Your loud house alarm is accidentally set off at least twice each month during the night

- Your out of control children regularly throw eggs at the houses on your street

- You start a transmission repair business in your driveway

- There is a pickup truck without wheels in your front yard

- Every one of your neighbors has a For Sale sign in their yard

- You have not mowed your lawn in two years

- You raise chickens on your property

- The poorly maintained plumbing in your house has flooded your neighbor’s house twice

- You offered the use of your house for a teenage rave party while you were out of town

SERIOUSLY…

Performance Pressure
Cockroaches & You

Yesterday we learned about the crisis of dying bees. Today we turn our attention to another icon of the bug world. What insect could be more common and ubiquitous than the common, disgusting, revolting cockroach?

This is the bug that repels us. This is the insect that makes us turn away in horror. But cockroaches are amazing creatures. We have often heard that they are among the oldest insects on earth and would be one of the few species likely to survive a global nuclear attack. How have they done it? Clearly they have adapted to life on the planet living among us. But surprisingly they seem to have incorporated some features they have seen in our own human lives. For instance, they seem to respond to peer pressure.

Previous research on cockroaches had shown that they run faster in mazes when they are paired together with another cockroach. They ran faster than when they ran alone. However, the researchers weren't sure exactly why this was true. Was it because the presence of another cockroach served as a general energizer for performance? Or was it simply because one cockroach copied or imitated the behavior of the other?

In order to answer this question, researchers decided to repeat the basic experiment by having the roaches run mazes either alone or with a partner. But they introduced two other conditions. First, the roaches either ran the mazes in the presence of a cockroach "audience" who simply watched the procedure but didn't run the maze---or with no audience. Second, the roaches either ran an "easy" maze or a "difficult" one.

What did the Results Show?

In the easy maze, the cockroaches ran the maze faster when there was an audience. But in the difficult maze, they ran it much slower when there was an audience. This is essentially what happens with human beings. Audiences enhance performance on simple tasks and hinder it when the task is difficult. In an easy task the presence of peers stimulates the runners and enables them to push themselves harder. But when there is greater pressure - a challenge that threatens failure and embarrassment in from of one’s peers, the effects are the opposite.

What does this mean to you?

In pressure situations, the presence of others can be very intimidating and reduce performance. For example, think about American Idol. In the early rounds the pressure some might say is greater because success among so many thousands is more remote. As the competition goes further, although the pressures are different, the judgment of peers is based on areas where the contestants are clearly more competent, feel less inadequate and therefore experience less performance pressure.

What about you? have you had this experience? When involved in a low pressure activity do you find that the encouragement of others excites and motivates you? And in contrast when the pressure is high do you have difficulty performing in front of others? In other words,

How strong is your “inner cockroach?”

SERIOUSLY…

VERN WOODLEY: Professional Bee Keeper
The Great Honey Bee Calamity

Vern Woodley is a fifth generation bee keeper from Sacramento, California. He was in therapy with Dr. Will when his hives failed, his family business went belly up and he was blamed. He now teaches apiology (that’s the study of bees) at a community college and privately breeds strains of aggressive attack bees in his yard.

Hey Dr. Will,

In case you haven’t already heard, there is a national crisis going on in the bee world. They are dying and disappearing by the billions. What does this mean to you? Right off the bat I can tell you that this bee meltdown means you can say Sayonara to your fruits & vegetables!

“So what?” you probably ask. “We’ll just eat meat!” WRONG, Freud Breath! As I often told you in our sessions, you just don’t get it! Let me explain.

The loss of our beloved bees means no pollinating. And when there’s no pollinating, there goes the food chain - right down the drain. What people don’t realize is that bees are a carefully and closely managed species. According to all bee experts (including yours truly) none of our local bees are native to the United States. They are all strains imported from around the world, some a few centuries ago!

Bee death is no small issue, it is an alarming apocalypse well underway in the honeybee universe. For reasons still not fully understood they are dying by the billions. One estimate says almost two and a half-million colonies have crashed already. The scientists refer to it as “Colony Collapse Disorder.”

And this is a problem that cannot be solved by some talking-head shrink (no offense, Doc) It will take real scientists to rescue the little creatures - professionals like me. So far the investigators have one suspect in mind. The perp is probably a fungus.

What is significant about the bee catastrophe is how dependent we are on their pollination work to produce our food supply. If there were no bees, the fresh food industry could be crippled. Call me an alarmist if you want, but this means we are all dead within the next four years! And all because we are not paying attention to the death of our bee friends. This is bad news for us all. It is sobering to think that this irritating insect is a critical part of the human survival.

So what can we do about it?

Bee scientists are working around the clock to save the world. As far as me, I am attacking the problem from another direction. I have begun raising a unique strain of highly aggressive, but meticulously disciplined attack bees. Think “Marine Bees.” They fly in formation and are trained to hunt out out sources of the bee fungus and attack with overwhelming force. I call it “Operation Sting Swarm!” They will cover the land and sniff out carriers - be they plant, animal or human - land and - get this- lick off the fungus to carry it away. Although they are militaristic, they will actually clean their enemy of the deadly disease that is annihilating their fellow bees!

I have already experimented with the strategy and have watched them wipe clean my recliner, a garden hose and my seven-year-old cat Honey. I even had them clean my lab assistant, Ignatius after coating his face with a local fungus. (See the photo on the right) It was an awesome display.

My bees are trained to go out on Search & Clean missions whenever they hear the music The Ride of the Valkyries from Apocalypse Now! In fact, I got so caught up into it, that I heard myself saying to the bees, “Do you smell that, my friend? That’s honey! I love the smell of honey in the morning! It smells like pollination! It smells like victory!” Awesome!

Well, back to the hives. And you better be praying, Reverend because unless my mission succeeds, we are all toast! Think about getting your affairs in order!

(For a good summary about the issue, check out this article in the Los Angeles Times)

SERIOUSLY…

What Color Are We?
America Flipping Over

Greetings from New Orleans where the Hurricane Katrina suffering continues on for thousands. Sometime after the event New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin famously said that the city would be rebuilt and it would be a “chocolate city” meaning that he wanted to make sure that New Orleans retained it racial diversity. He was criticized for the statement but many felt he was accurately expressing the desire that those thousands of minority citizens that fled would return and add to the rich ethnic mixture that is traditionally New Orleans.

It’s been coming on for years and now America has reached a significant milestone. This past week the United States Census Bureau announced that the nation’s minority population topped 100 million souls. That’s one-third of us who now have a minority heritage. And as the government itself noted, “Who is a minority… (and) what will "minority" mean in the future?” And for that matter, how significant will it really be to be in the statistical majority?

But it’s not that this really matters. Countries around the world are plagued by ethnic minorities that wield power - frequently with homicidal force - over the population majority.

Here at home the increase in population among people of color - Hispanics, Blacks and Asians - means a growing influence in political and social power. We have been through this before, of course. A century ago the country welcomed - not always with open arms - a flood of immigrants from Ireland, Italy and other European countries. Over the subsequent decades they pushed their way into the mainstream and assimilation. The resistance they experienced was intense (documented in its vivid brutality by Martin Scorcese in Gangs of New York). So here we go again.

Bad Days for Bigots

Regardless of one’s ethnic passions, the writing on the wall is clear. It’s past time to adjust our perspective on humanity and its diversity. We either get on the train or be left behind. The new America is increasingly an amalgam of skin color, accents, palates and existential points of view. Absorbing this staggering variety into one cohesive culture is the labor of many decades. Differences in tastes and dress are easy to embrace. But when it comes to the distinctions in religion, family life and work ethic, things get very dicey. The scourge of religious fundamentalism and its intolerance is the cause of literally millions of innocent deaths around the world. And although it has not yet degraded to that state here in America, it rears it ugly head in our own religious rigidity.

We are wise to be cautious and protect what is rightfully fundamental here: freedom.

Maybe its time to reinvigorate civics education for everyone…
resistant new citizens and grumpy old ones.

For more on the new population trends click here

SERIOUSLY…

WHEN NATURE ATTACKS
Look Out! She’s Gonna Blow!

Twenty-seven years ago this week, in the state of Washington, the volcano Mount St. Helens blew its lid in a catastrophic eruption. It was the most spectacular, deadliest and destructive volcanic eruption in the nation’s history. It’s impact was amazing. It killed 57 people and virtually every other living creature for several miles around. It destroyed several hundred homes, collapsed nearly 50 bridges and destroyed a few hundred miles of highways.

The eruption instantly blew the top of the mountain clear off and sent smoke and flaming gases eighty thousand feet in the air. Cities for miles around were covered in choking ash and the event affected the weather patterns of the entire country. When it was over, the mountain’s height was reduced by over thirteen hundred feet!

What Do We Learn?

In addition to its historical significance, the Mount St. Helens eruption is a reminder that nature is ultimately more powerful than humanity and - although we seek to control its impact - in the end, we are at its mercy. But there’s more. Because of all the manifestations of nature’s brute power, the volcano is particularly resonant with us because it is a vivid metaphor for our own psychological reality.

We often hear people compare someone to an erupting volcano. It is quite a common for us to describe a person who is filled with pent-up emotion, that they are ready “to blow.” We say they “erupted” - like a volcano. And just like its real, natural counterpart, the allusion is apt for a variety of reasons.

Like Mount St. Helens, when we blow our top, we can inflict collateral damage all around us without intending it. And we too are diminished after the dust clears. And like the famous event in Washington in 1980, we become remembered as well for the mess in the aftermath where we covered so many around us with the debris of our tantrum.

Are you about to blow your top?

Surely we couldn’t stop Mount St. Helens, from erupting.
But in retrospect we could have done a far better job of getting other creatures out of the way. And so it goes with us.

Just because you are near someone who is ready to blow, doesn’t mean you have to stand there and get covered with the smoke, fire and debris!

SERIOUSLY…(sort of)

Madame Petite: She's A Medium
She Sees What You Cannot See

Madame Petite was a client of Dr. Will’s for 13 years following the disappearance of her sister Lucy. During treatment she claims to have discovered her psychic abilities. She used these powers to find her missing sister who was suffering traumatic amnesia and living in a small village in Madison, Wisconsin. She reunited with Lucy and they live together in a mobile home in the town of Crawfordsville, Indiana. This is her report on matters transcendent:

Jerry Fallwell Goes Over!

Hey Dr. Will,

I had a vivid dream about you last night. In it we were in a session and I shared an emotional childhood memory with you and you started to cackle like a chicken. I got up from the couch and back-handed you across the mouth. You flushed, wiped the blood from your lips and immediately regained your composure. We continued on as usual. I have no idea what it means but it made me feel very powerful!

In the domain of the transcendent, I have had significant experiences this past week. Here are some of these items:

- No sooner had Reverend Jerry Falwell passed over than he came to me in a vision this afternoon and said he needed to share some important things he has already learned in heaven. I was able to recall verbatim some of what he told me:

He started off by laughing and saying “I cannot believe it! This place is crawling with Popes, Palestinians, Politicians and a staggering array of what I can only describe as human curiosities.

I am scheduled to meet Jesus this Saturday and I was told to be prepared for a shock. I have no idea what it means but suddenly there is an air of trepidation I had not counted on about the experience.

In the meantime, I am happy to report that several of the people I believed would not make it to the Kingdom have indeed not been seen anywhere. So I assume they are where they belong…”

Suddenly his whole tone changed when he was obviously interrupted by someone who approached him. All I heard was his muted voice saying, “Oh no! Not you! What are you doing here?” and then his voice trailed off. Very interesting. What’s up with that!? I was so dying to find out!

Well, not two hours later he returned and was in a very jovial mood. Here’s what he said,

Sister, this joint is jumpin’ and it is way more laid back than I thought! First of all, when I arrived, I almost fainted because everywhere I looked there were Telletubbies!I thought 'Oh God, I'm really in Hell! But just then they all shouted ‘SURPRISE!” and dropped their costumes. They all laughed hysterically.

Next I'm approached by a very tall man who introduces himself. And to my further shock, it is Tommy Tune! And right behind him is none other than Gertrude Stein arm-in-arm with evangelist Dwight Moody and Aaron, Moses’ kid brother. What a gas!

On a somber note I have been told I am welcomed with delight into the Kingdom for eternity but must serve some time in the “Reconciliation Meadow.” I asked St. Peter if this was like Purgatory and he said, “sort of, except it’s not really like hell. It's way more kicked back. But the food is so-so and you cannot play stick ball ” By the way, Peter is very cut with black curly hair and a deep voice. He has an intimidating sense of humor. I approached him and he faked giving me the “Moe Eye Poke.” Then he laughed.

Well that’s all from here, I’m due at a welcome dinner in my honor sponsored by the Buddhist Women’s caucus. I’m out!”

All I can say is WOW!

As for other experiences, here are some other channeling highlights:

- I contacted the legendary Conrad Hilton to ask about his great granddaughter Paris. Naturally he said it was troubling that she is going to jail for a time but spoke reassuringly about her future. “She’ll be fine.” But then he added ominously, “However, I cannot say the same thing for another, certain resident of the very jail she will be in. A woman with the initials L.K. will pay a steep price for her attempts to harm my little Paris.” I asked what he meant but all he would say is “I have one word for Ms. K: botulism!” Then he let out a bellowing laugh. Eerie!

And my other side buddy Randal Phillips, the 14th-century English pub cleaner and one of my most reliable buzz-meisters from the other side peppered me in a recent session with these celebrity tidbits:

- Lindsay Lohan will eventually develop moderate gingivitis when she is in her late fifties.

- Angelina Jolie will be stalked by at an entire village of women from Zimbabwe seeking adoption for their kids

- Sometime this year singer Stevie Wonder will develop a stye

- One of the actors who plays Chip at Disney World will become a born-again Christian and go on the speaking circuit

- The late Jimi Hendrix has been teaching classical genius Antonio Vivaldi how to play a guitar behind his back

- Next year sometime a famous, disgraced ex-boxing champ will get trichinosis from some bad pork chops and go on a rampage at a butcher shop in Paramus, New Jersey

Hope these psychic insights will help save the world. In the meantime I will return to my other-worldly voices. Have an uplifting week.

Remember, if you are hearing voices, before you go to the Doctor, think about listening to them.

SERIOUSLY…

BETTING THE FARM
I feel flushed!

As the HBO hit The Sopranos winds down, one of the plot lines is Tony’s accelerating gambling addiction. As he comes unglued in the last episodes his gambling obsession reflects his loss of control. But not everyone who gambles has a problem. In fact, it is but a tiny percentage of those who enjoy gambling that lose control of their habit.

Although reliable statistics are difficult to find, it’s estimated that 60% of Americans gamble. That’s 180 million people who have bet in one form or another! Whoa!! And while some gambling is confined to buying lottery tickets at the local grocery store, almost 40% of Americans have visited Las Vegas. Of those, 87% gambled while visiting there. Gambling’s popularity is growing every year.

One of the most significant spikes in gambling came over the past few decades with the entrance of the Native American Casinos that have sprung up across the country. In fact, gambling has become a major source of revenue for tribes whose gambling businesses have brought in billions. THis brought gambling opportunities to local areas. You o longer needed to travel to a casino far away.

Of all the Americans who gamble, it’s estimated that 3% of the population are addicted. When you consider the ten of millions of us who enjoy the activity, this is a low incidence of pathology.

What makes someone an addicted gambler?

Pathological gamblers feel an overwhelming compulsion to continue to gamble, despite the ruinous financial, emotional and relationship consequences that frequently occur. Part of the cycle is a frantic attempt to recover losses. The more the person falls behind, the more intense the desire to win it all back. This is why many addicted gamblers talk about a streak that they dare not interrupt.

The gambling is pursued to the exclusion of even the most valued relationships and, not surprisingly, divorce and other broken relationships are common. Pathological gamblers refuse to stop in the face of their awareness that they are losing money that they cannot afford. Among the desperate strategies often used include borrowing money, with little realistic expectation that it can be paid back.

Addictions Abound!

People can become addicted to a wide variety of substances and activities. We are all familiar with the addictions that plague our culture like alcohol and drugs. And we are also aware that some become addicted to gambling, food, sex and even television and the Internet. But there is a significant difference among these forms of dependence. Illegal substances, such as cocaine or heroine, present their own profound difficulties of access and legal consequences.

But what about crossing boundaries with regard to necessary or other legitimate activities, like eating, social drinking or - yes - gambling? Here the line gets fuzzy about what constitutes abuse or addiction.

When does social drinking escalate to interfere with functioning?

When does eating move from enjoyable nourishment to a distorted association with body image?

And when does gambling go from distracting recreation to a threat to your financial well being?

The criteria that mental health professionals use is not really more complicated that the self reports of individuals and their families that the activities have interfered with the quality of life.

SO EAT, DRINK & BE MERRY - IN BALANCE!

Signs that you have a gambling problem:

- When the church offering plate comes past you throw in gambling chips

- A bookie holds a lien on your mother’s house

- Your retirement plan is based on a big lotto win

- You sent your son to croupier school

- You bet on your five-year-old daughter’s soccer games

- At a church bingo game you wagered five-thousand dollars

- You relocated your family to a condo near the Indian casino

- Your son told his kindergarten teacher he wants to be a "pit boss" when he grows up

- The first words your daughter uttered was the phrase “double down”

- You bet against your children for their allowance money

SERIOUSLY…

1998 : THE LAST EPISODE OF SEINFELD AIRS
And Television Loses

On this date in 1998 one of television’s most storied sitcoms came to an end. The highly anticipated finale of Seinfeld was watched by over 75 million people. Virtually everyone knows the story and four lead characters of this iconic program of the 1990’s. It became the topic of conversation in offices every week.

The show introduced us to dozens of unique words and phrases that entered the popular culture vocabulary:

man-hands,
the sidler,
puffy shirt,
the low-talker,
sponge-worthy,
the re-gifter,
the soup nazi,

and of course… yada…yada…yada

In fact, even the program’s core theme was unique, defining itself as a “show about nothing.” The shows writing was brilliant, as it created complex, intertwining situations among fastidious Jerry, neurotic George, confused Elaine and unstable Kramer.

Each episode began with Jerry performing standup comedy in a nightclub using topics relevant to the night’s story line. Although filmed in Los Angeles the show was set on New York’s Upper West Side. Most of the scenes occurred in Jerry’s apartment or a local diner. Despite a slow start the characters eventually caught on with viewers and the show became a must-see for millions. Over time additional characters emerged, particularly Elaine’s boss, the inane Mr. J. Peterman and Jerry’s mailman neighbor, Newman.

What Does It Mean?

The underlying appeal of this show revolves around the issue of friendship compatibility. Here are four friends who have remained emotionally close over many years in spite of the fact that they have little in common personally. In fact the four often end up working against the interests of each other. In fact, most of the plot complexity comes from the way each inadvertently sabotages the life and relationships of the others. Much like the other sitcom sensation of the 1990’s - Friends - the characters on Seinfeld demonstrated a relationship dynamic that many of us experience in our own lives and families.

We are all involved closely with family and friends with whom we have little in common and who drive us crazy. Who is your George? Do you have a Kramer or perhaps an Elaine or a Jerry? Do you have a Newman? Is your boss a Pererman?

How are you coping?

Can you stick with them in the relationship or do you flee from uncomfortable friendships?

WHO ARE YOU?

ARE YOU JERRY?

- On an average day you brush your teeth every two hours
- Upon checking into a hotel you re-clean the room
- You press your socks and underwear

ARE YOU GEORGE?

- You record the monetary value of birthday gifts you give to compare against those you received
- You have never left a job voluntarily
- Everyone you date bears a striking resemblance to your mother

ARE YOU ELAINE?

- You have held five jobs in five years
- When dancing at a wedding, people think you are having a seizure
- Every relationship you’ve had is with someone suffering a personality disorder

ARE YOU KRAMER?

- You have chopped vegetables in our shower
- Against advice you invest retirement funds in an Afghanistan insect farm
- As a result of your questionable advice several friends have gone bankrupt

SERIOUSLY…

A DAY FOR WOMEN
Who are the women who comfort, cherish, nurture and dote on you?

Although mothers have been recognized and celebrated across the world for centuries, our own Mother’s Day is less than a century old. It was in 1914 that President Woodrow Wilson declared the second Sunday in May to be devoted to honoring Mothers. Over the years the American version has emerged into an economic juggernaut that generates millions for a variety of industries including greeting cards, flowers and restaurants. It’s gotten to the point that it can evoke a level of shame and embarrassment if you fail to acknowledge mothers.

I must confess, in my experience as both a therapist and a minister, I have had many cringe moments around this holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate mothers. My own mother is an incredibly dynamic personality and bequeathed countless gifts to me. My wife Sally is an outstanding mother of her own children and those in her charge as an elementary school principal.

That said, I have been in churches on many a Mother’s Day and heard the Pastor call out for “all the mothers to stand and be recognized.” Everyone applauds, of course. My eye, however often goes to the women who do not stand. Frequently these women, for any number of reasons, have not had the experience of motherhood. And I know the searing pain that this often causes for them. For some, physical or health issues prevented pregnancy, or they have miscarried or lost a child. For others life circumstances have denied them the opportunity to experience being a through their own pregnancy or a successful adoption. And then there are those who think back with great sorrow and pain about their childhood experiences with mothers. Maybe they lost their mothers when they were young. Others had an abusive or absent mother. Whatever the reason, I think sometimes we miss the focus of the day here.

The answer is certainly not to ignore mothers. But maybe we should broaden the focus of our May day celebration to acknowledge women. We can thank and praise the women who bring nurture to our lives. I am as “mothered” by my lover-wife as I am by so many other great women in my life. I feel the nurture of Sally’s step-mother, my mother-in-law, Maggi, my step-daughter Tamara, Lisa, my daughter-in-law, my four sisters, my niece Laura and the big gang of great young women who bring joy to my life. They all love me and care for me and are “mothering” women all.

So this Sunday, recommend to the preacher that gratitude be shown to all the women in the pews who are deserving of recognition, whether or not they have conceived a child. If they have served us in any way they should get a card, flowers, a dinner and a day to call their own.

Signs that your mother was not nurturing:

- While everyone applauds for you at a school concert performance your mother simply stares

- At a backyard touch football game your mother clothes-line tackles you

- Your nickname of “Butt Head” originated with your mother

- For your tenth birthday your mother got you a cleaning supplies

- For Thanksgiving you mother served peanut butter & jelly for dinner

- As a baby your mother always wore rubber gloves when she picked you up

- To wake you up for school each morning your mother tossed your bed

- You have never seen your mother without sunglasses

- Responsibility for your toilet training was subcontracted to a local nurse

- Your mother never changes her facial expression

SERIOUSLY…

Existential Humor
Voicing Our Fears

This joke was submitted by reader W.G., who asked Dr. Will to analyze the meaning of the joke. Here is his entry:

A man learns he has only 24 hours to live. He asked his wife to make love and, of course she agrees. A few hours later, he went to her again saying, "Honey, now I have only 18 hours to live." She agrees and again they make love. Yet again later, while getting into bed he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched his wife’s shoulder and said, "Honey? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. But he lay awake until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have a few hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Why We Laugh

The joke’s effect is based on the horror of rejection when we’re most desperately in need. Because we all live with the repressed dread that those we depend on will suddenly abandon us at our most critical hour, this story gives macabre expression to this worry and forms the basis of the joke.

The Meaning & the Inner Sadness

Despite our best efforts at denial and distraction, every human being lives with the sword of death hanging over our heads. It takes but the simplest reminder that - yes - today could be the day. Death is the ultimate fear, the primal fear. While we may coast along for days, months even years of peaceable living, death is ever knocking at the door. What better way to relieve some of this pent up existential stress than to diffuse it with a joke.

The man hears the ultimate bad news - he will be dead within a day. Shattered, he turns to his life partner for solace, comfort and the ultimate human expression of caring. But as desperate as his own situation is, his wife goes through her own process of adapting to this life changing mood. And in the end she makes a choice to continue living - to let him go.

A powerful moment for each, wrapped up in a silly little joke!

What about you?

Does the foundation of this joke speak to you? Do you live with an awareness of demise or are you ever shutting it out? And when faced with you own mortality, how do you react? My counsel is to acknowledge your limitations but revel in every moment you have in life. I’m betting that you will be alive tomorrow and your loved ones will be standing by you through it all!

Like so many other wonderful jokes, this story makes us laugh
…and yet it is obviously profoundly sad

SERIOUSLY…

A Collision of Styles
Royalty & Rubes

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth made a high profile visit to the United States this week, beginning with attendance at the Kentucky Derby last Saturday. We don’t get to see the Queen very much here and it has been enjoyable watching her on television. And having recently enjoyed the film The Queen starring Helen Mirren in her academy award performance, I was astonished at the seeing the real Queen. It was a reminder of how uncanny Mirren’s performance mimicked her Majesty.

The news has jokingly played up the contrast between the noted formality of royal protocol with the casual informality of the current White House. President Bush looked like an uncomfortable school boy when accompanying the Queen and made a couple of gaffes The most notable was during the introductions when he observed that her last visit was in 1776 - quickly correcting himself to say 1976. But making the moment worse, he stopped, chuckled and winked at the Queen. We can only imagine what she and Prince Phillip thought about the Mr. Bush, clearly uncomfortable in his formal wear and in her presence.

What Does It Tell Us?

Over the years we have had Presidents representing a wide range of styles. From the patrician John Kennedy through the boorish Lyndon Johnson and the constrained Richard Nixon we have also seen a mystic, an actor, a bureaucrat and a womanizing wonk.

And now we have the tongue tied cowboy.

Behind our bravado, America has always felt somewhat inadequate and poorly spoken in the eyes of the British. And President Bush perfectly captured this diffidence by his speech and body language before the Queen. The royal visit this past week was an accurate reflection of the historic distinction between our countries and cultures.

They are polished and dressed for dinner.
We are plain and mock the pompous.

I don't believe we need to become haughty, but an elevation in manners and style would be a refreshing change in our leadership.

SERIOUSLY…

Sean Boyd
…Defrocked…and loving it!

Sean Boyd was Dr. Will’s patient for two years as part of a court ordered agreement to be treated for anger management. He was a Catholic priest for sixteen years but left as a result of a fist fight with his Bishop over Bingo receipts. In his words, “Oh yeah, his excellency didn’t like that I was complaining about his cut of the parish profits and so he mouthed off and I popped him one! We rolled around the rectory and I lost a tooth. But he had a purple eye for a month!” Sean now owns a pub in Wheaton, Illinois called “The Irish Brogue.” He has devoted his spare time to a newsletter for ex-priests and nuns called “The Lost Frock.”

Dr. Will,

Been reading your little website for a while now and, as usual it’s filled with the same psycho-crap you always dish out. But I know you are sincere so I guess that’s something.

Anyway it’s a big anniversary for me - it was 15 years ago this week that I was shorn of my cloth. And it feels like yesterday that I clocked that pompous crook. Imagine stealing Bingo money from my youth programs? Not surprisingly the Bishop himself was defrocked six years later for - gee, big surprise - stealing again from a collection plate!

But enough about him. Our community of exiles is having to constantly battle the image problem we have in light of the sexual abuse scandal that has beleaguered the Church. For our part we are livid with these perverts who stain us with their filthy brush. Whenever I encounter one I usually haul off and pop him one. No harm, no foul!

The fact is, the majority of us left for other legitimate, honorable reasons. In some cases the celibacy rule was not their gift. In others, they felt the call to another profession. In my case, as you well know, it was my penchant for physical violence, alcohol abuse, passing out on the rectory lawn, foul language from the pulpit, swearing at children and failure to keep the confessional confidential. (On that last issue, Sweet Mother Mary! If you heard the crap I heard you would have yapped about it too!)

Now that I am a respectable pub owner all my sins have instantly turned into business assets. I am the "tap taster," the bouncer and the bartender “confessor.” And now when some turd-breath yaps off about something, I am free to let the whole community know that he is a low life. And if he doesn’t like it, I can pop him too. In other words - I am a free man! I found my calling! God works in mysterious ways.

I am sending you another client for you to do your counseling crap. Sister Cheryl has just left the convent after an incident involving marijuana and an Internet credit card scam. She has been ordered by the court to get counseling and I told her you could help her fulfill her requirement without a lot of wasted time trawling through the sewerage of her psyche. To reassure her, I even said, “don't worry Sister. I didn’t tell this Bozo a damn thing about myself in two full years!” (Now Doc, don’t rat me out about what I DID tell you about my family. If she comes back about that I swear to God I will drop you like a pair of hip hop jeans!) Anyway, you’ll like her. Be careful though, she was thrown out of group counseling two weeks ago for throwing a heavy glass ashtray at the group leader. Jeeze she’s a tough nut for a grass head!

Have a great day “healing” the losers! Ha! Ha!

SERIOUSLY…

SANITIZED HOMOCIDE
Yeah, it’s murder, but hey, lighten up!

Fifteen years ago this week the final episode of the television crime drama Jake and the Fatman aired on CBS. It ran for 5 years (1987-1992) and starred legendary character actor WIlliam Conrad as prosecutor Jason "Fatman" McCabe and Joe Penny as investigator Jake Styles. This successful program is essentially lost because it was never picked up for syndication. However it did produce the successful spin off Diagnosis: Murder starring Dick Van Dyke.

Conrad’s Fatman, was an aging prosecutor who first appeared in a two part episode of Matlock, starring Andy Griffith. And much like Matlock and Van Dyke’s Dr. Sloan, these shows continued a tradition begun with Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote.

Each of these programs had the common characteristic of an aging and unlikely character who becomes repeatedly involved in investigating complex murders. Every starring actor was well-past seventy-years-old and yet audiences accepted that they were capable of solving dangerous crimes. Lansbury was an elderly widowed writer who always got the perp! Van Dyke was an aging hospital administrator running down leads against sociopaths.

But of all of the shows in this genre, Jake and the Fatman’s Conrad was the least likely of all. He was an unhealthy, obese retiree with evident respiratory problems, who nonetheless engaged the worst offenders in his community. Let’s be candid, more than even any of the others, he was most likely to expire in the middle of any of his cases. He would be defenseless against even the most physically limited perpetrator.

So what's the appeal?

It seems so unlikely that audiences would be drawn to programs featuring elderly crime fighters. And yet these programs survived for many seasons, including Jake and the Fatman. Upon reflection, however think about your own sense of powerlessness. Most of us are not physically imposing enough that we would willingly take on a ferocious criminal. We all live with a healthy respect for our physical limitations and an awareness that we are ultimately fragile creatures. So to watch the obviously limited Conrad - even calling himself the Fatman - use craft and intelligence to overcome his more physically powerful foes gives us encouragement that we too can survive.

I mean, if the Fatman is still alive after decades of dangerous encounters with the world, what can stop us? So you may be like the Fatman, but you are still filled with great power if only you learn to tap into its source.

Are You Frail? What Kind of Crime Show Could You Star in Yourself?
Here are some ideas sent in by readers:

SERIOUSLY…

EMOTIONAL WOUNDS OF WAR
Lingering Trauma

My father was a highly decorated soldier in the Army Air Corps during World War II. My brother-in-law Matt served in dangerous combat during Vietnam. And presently I have three nephews who are in the military, one already has been deployed and the others are likely headed to combat in Iraq or Afghanistan at some point. My family is touched by the war like so many others. But there is a significant difference in the experiences of my father. I can recall him saying “you cannot go into a war that the country does not support.” He was comparing his own experience in the Second World War with the vastly unpopular Vietnam war. It surely appears that we are in a reprise of the Vietnam experience with our endeavor in Iraq.

What happens to soldiers psychologically when they are aware that their country is at least bitterly divided, or flat out opposed to the war they are fighting? The result is an extra burden of stress on top of what they're already experiencing being in combat. This is being born out in recent studies looking at the physical and emotional health of our soldiers in Iraq. There are thousands who will be living with severe and lingering physical and emotional injuries from the war. Ironically there have been such great strides in emergency triage that it has enabled many more wounded soldiers to survive, even if severely disabled.

However, in the realm of emotional injury, progress in mental health intervention is limited by the potent psychological pressures of an unpopular mission. In the era of instant communication, the soldiers in the field are clearly aware of the political debate going on back home. And the news from home shows bitter division with a strong majority believing that the war was a strategic mistake and its execution badly managed. And the results of this political schism are becoming clear not only in the domestic debate between Congress and the White House, but in the elevated stress being felt by our soldiers.

A recent survey by the Pentagon that evaluated the mental health of our troops in Iraq found that one out of three combat experienced soldiers reported high levels of anxiety, depression and acute stress. In addition the survey also dealt with ethical attitudes on the battlefield. A key finding was that more than a third of soldiers and Marines reported that torture should be allowed to save the life of a comrade. This finding should not be a surprise since the Iraq war, much like the Vietnam war is being carried out within a country and culture fractured with hatred among its own people.

Who is the enemy and who is a friend? There is no obvious way to tell. The very nature of the combat scene ratchets up the pressure on the soldiers asked to fight. This is a formula for even more extreme stress than already expected in a war.

It reminds me of the words of my father that cautions against becoming involved in a war we are conflicted about fighting.

SERIOUSLY…

I’m Strange, But I’m Okay
People who need people, are…well…not me

In light of the anniversary of the F.B.I.’s J. Edgar Hoover dying, it seems logical to bring to your attention the unique psychological diagnosis called Schizoid Personality Disorder. Mr. Hoover did not qualify for this diagnosis, but his renown tendencies for social detachment may remind you of someone you know who is also very aloof.

The diagnosis of Schizoid Personality Disorder is applied to individuals who are extremely detached from social interaction. They seem emotionally aloof and express limited emotions towards other people.

Not surprisingly schizoid personalities prefer solitary activities and consequently have very few, maybe no close friends. And yet they do not display a sadness for their isolation. They are indifferent to praise or criticism and are mostly engaged in inner thoughts and fantasies. They are perhaps most commonly noticed for their indifference to social norms of interaction, dress and other common habits.

At best they are seen as eccentric, and at worst strange and off-putting.

Some mental health advocates reject the use of the term disorder, believing that some with this diagnosis are just different, that they are an individual with an intensely introverted personality. They are not mentally ill but rather have a unique personality. (Click here for more)

Is Someone You Know A Bit Schizoid? Is it you?

SERIOUSLY…

OMNIPOTENT POWER
QUESTIONABLE JUDGEMENT

Thirty-five years ago today J. Edgar Hoover, the infamous FBI director, died. Hoover, who led the agency for fifty years, was responsible for shaping the modern FBI. Hoover was an attorney and a librarian who joined the Department of Justice in 1917 and quickly rose up the ranks. He was passionately anti-communist who developed an incredible file system cataloguing tens of thousands of suspects. He also created the national finger print file, a state of the art crime lab and a training program for investigating agents.

Hoover was credited with arresting notorious gangsters like George "Machine Gun" Kelly and John Dillinger who were killed by FBI agents. During World War II Hoover led anti-espionage activities and after the war he concentrated on anti-communist activities. Hoover was an active partner with Senator Joseph McCarthy’s House Un-American Activities Committee that smeared as many innocent Americans as it captured guilty communists.

Following this Hoover became obsessed with prosecuting radicals of any stripe, including those participating in the peace movement during the Vietnam War. He successfully infiltrated the racist organization Ku Klux Klan, but also the African American civil rights organizations and liberal anti-war organizations. Hoover was widely criticized when it became known that he regularly harassed civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Revelations of the FBI's abuses of power and unconstitutional surveillance under Hoover motivated Congress and the media to become more vigilant in future monitoring of the FBI. For decades there was a palpable feeling that Hoover knew details of the secret life of virtually every famous person in the country. Most Americans had a sense that Hoover knew the truth about the private lives and assassinations of President Kennedy and Martin Luther King. And in a dark but hilarious irony, Hoover was reported to be a bizarre individual in his own private life. Some even believed he was a cross dresser! Now there’s a visual image.

All in all, Hoover’s life and service s a cautionary tale about the risks of investing great power in the hands of an individual with little or no oversight. While many good things get done, a lot of abuses seem inevitable.

Check out reporter John Hockenberry’s riveting interview with the Hoover biographer Richard Hack: CLICK HERE

SERIOUSLY…(sort of)

Lenny Colucci
A "Family" Chef

Lenny was in therapy with Dr. Will for four years where his presenting problem was conflict with his father Aldo who wanted him to go into the family business. But Lenny always wanted to cook. As he says, “When the other neighborhood kids were playing with clubs and bats, I was swinging a spatula and working over dough.” Today he owns Lenny Colucci’s Neapolitan Kitchen, a successful restaurant in Boston where he hosts a webcast cooking show at 2 a.m. every Friday. His popular newsletter invites reader’s questions. Here is this week’s entry.

Dr. Will,

Thanks for letting me to put you on my mailing list for my Internet Newsletter: Lenny Colucci: A Man For All Seasonings. (Do you like the title?) Feel free to publish this entry to your followers. I know how sensitive you shrinks are about confidentiality, although I also suspect that you’re actually more worried about being connected to my family (which I think is B.S. and I have told you that!)

I have a lot of culinary tips in response to letters I received this week:

Pete from Providence, Rhode Island writes:

“Dear Lenny, I tried your recipe for Veal Scaloppine and I must say the meat was tough. I bought the best veal, so what happened?”

Pete,
It sounds like you did not properly prepare the veal before cooking. It is critical that you beat the veal for at least ten minutes before trying to cook it. I mean beat it, beat it, and beat it some more! Take a hammer if you need to and smash the veal repeatedly until it is lying there flat and unrecognizable. Only then are you ready to proceed.

Susan from Chicago asks:

“Dear Lenny, Your recipe for Amaretto Truffles sounded great but when I tried to make it the taste was flat. What did I do wrong?”

Susan,
It’s obvious that you did not beat the egg whites aggressively enough. And perhaps you allowed the cream cheese to influence the other ingredients. You have to nip that in the bud. If the cream cheese is risking the recipe the solution is simple: eliminate the cream cheese. Have someone do it for you if need be, but get rid of the cream cheese.

Remember dear readers, the key to great Italian cuisine is to follow the directions and procedures. If you betray the recipe you will pay dearly. Remember this simple word: RICO: “Real Italian Cooks Organize.” And unless you want a wad of burnt tomato gop at the bottom of your pot, stir the gravy every 15 minutes (for you non Italians - that’s the red sauce).

In some exciting family news: My nephew Terzo opened a new business (he’s nicknamed “Six Toes” on account of having been born with six toes one foot - although his father did cut if off when he was five so the kids wouldn’t make fun of him). Terzo’s Knife Imporium specializes in all kinds of knives and - at my suggestion - he’s featuring a line called Colucci's Kitchen Cutlery that we can sell at my restaurant. It’s fantastic quality and so sharp you can draw blood without even feeling it. So be careful.

As my Uncle Ray used to always say (Ralphy’s family swears he was the model for Clemenza in The Godfather!) “I may not know where you live, but with one call I can find out.”

But I would paraphrase that and say to you:
“I may not know the ingredients but with one web search I can find out.”

That's it from here. Have a great week! Ciao.

Signs your family is in organized crime:

- Your father works at night but wears an expensive suit and tie

- At least a third of your deceased relatives died of gunshot wounds

- When you get clothes for Christmas you first have to cut off the plastic security device

- Even as a child all your family vacations were at casinos in Las Vegas

- Every two months your father sends you to the store to buy envelopes

- Two large men are always sitting in your front yard

- By the age of four you could spell the words subpoena and indictment

- Your father often makes your mother sign papers at the kitchen table and when she asks why, he says, "don't worry about it."

- Although an average student you’re accepted to Harvard after an uncle “talks” to the dean

- Spring cleaning at your house included “sweeping for bugs”